Ray

I was afraid. 

My resistance to seeking help was fueled by my fear: the fear of being apprehended by the authorities and the fear of becoming a madman. Beneath that fear was a deep sense of shame: the feeling that I was undeserving of help.

Three years ago, I was brutally raped and it led me to contracting HIV. At the same time, I lost my job. I was spiralling down into desperation and drugs were what I turned to because it eased my pain. Over the three years I was smoking and injecting meth on a daily basis. I experienced psychosis - feeling strongly that ‘someone’ was out there to get me - which drove me to isolate myself in my room all day, every day. My family could not understand me and the frequent fights had caused me immense emotional pain. At that point, I only wanted to escape. I knew I was going insane and I was destroying myself, but I could not resolve anything alone. I was losing myself and had thoughts of suicide flashing across my mind. 

I began my recovery journey at The Greenhouse when my sister contacted Alaric through their  website. He was warm and that helped to put my fears away. Our first meeting took place at The Greenhouse, which was a safe and comfortable space. He helped me understand my needs better and I felt motivated to recover. Eventually, through attending the Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and SMART Recovery meetings, I got to meet some people who were facing similar struggles, as well as those who have successfully turned their lives around and stayed ‘clean’ for multiple years. I knew that I had something to learn. I knew that I can feel hopeful about recovery. And most importantly, I knew that I was in safe hands. 

Over time, I learnt to show compassion to myself for the pain that I was going through. I felt safe enough to share my pain with a group of people who didn’t judge me, and that has helped me let go of my pain. I have also learnt from others’ experience of healthy coping strategies for my difficulties. I found a sponsor who helped me navigate the 12-step programme. That changed my perception towards forgiveness, allowed me to make amends and brought peace back to my life. I also learnt how to manage my thoughts and feelings, and that helped me rebuild my confidence and self-worth. I was growing to become a person that I truly like. 

With 10 months of ‘clean’ time in my pocket (so far), I have started to be of service to others. I get to be involved in the operations, facilitate some meetings and peer-support some newcomers. I am pursuing a counselling course which I hope will be useful to my recovery as well as the recovery of others. The Greenhouse has given my life back to me, and I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of this fellowship.

Ray, 47