Emery

My life before recovery was dark, chaotic and cyclical. It was blips of fleeting pleasure peppered upon the bed of knives my life had unravelled upon. I had been suicidal for years, but was intensely so in the period before I attempted to get sober. One night during this time, I had abruptly woken up in tears, realising that I had been engaging in a long-drawn suicide, where all the things I had done and all the things I had taken had slowly but surely killed the very person I used to be. My physical body and mind were not far off behind. It was the kind of rock bottom moment that somehow gave me the strength to say that I no longer wanted to live a life defined by pain.

I was referred to one of the programs being held at The Greenhouse by a pastor. That was how I discovered recovery. It has been a journey of rediscovering the self, centred in a community that speaks the truth with love, unconditional and accepting; understanding, from shared experiences and listening ears; and patience, one day at a time. It takes but a seed of courage and strength in a time where we feel like we have nothing, for it to take root in the Greenhouse.

It's been almost a year since I woke up that night, and just a little less so in the Greenhouse. Each day I wake up living life once more - I have found gainful employment, re-learnt how to enjoy friendships and have begun toying around with this thing called hope. My days are not without the everyday stresses of what we all go through, but in those moments where life gets overwhelming I am able to breathe and refocus myself on what's truly important to me.

It's difficult to wonder at where I would be still if not for recovery. Dead? Maybe. Still in pain? Most definitely. I would 10/10 recommend The Greenhouse to others who wish to get better. I look back at this past year and I no longer mourn the person that died. Instead, I am able to plant new dreams, hopes and achievements. Wherever you might be, and however impossible and cruel life might seem right now, that seed that wants to live is somewhere within you. Bring it to a place where you can let it grow.

Emery, 28 years old, Cisgender gay male